I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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