why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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