I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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