I think I just saw someone hide a body.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't deserve a penis
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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