i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
