Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
