My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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