I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
