and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
