God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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