I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
