I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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