I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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