Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
