Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
