im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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