Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
