I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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