you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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