I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
