i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
