I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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