There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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