No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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