Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
