I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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