i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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