Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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