eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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