i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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