I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
