i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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