Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
