her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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