I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
