I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
