So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
