I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
