Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
