Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize