Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
