No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
