I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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