My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
