Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
