So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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