Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
