He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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