i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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