yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize