i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize