you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
