Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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