It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize