the condom got lost in my hair
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
