I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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