Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
