we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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