I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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