i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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