Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
