I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
