I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
